Showering: The Story

Today, when I went into the shower, there was a ginormous spider on the wall. It was about the size of my hand. It was huge. It was disgustingly hairy. If there is a god, then this spider is proof that he likes fucking with us. Because I ran out of the bathroom screaming.

As if I would run away. The following accounts are true depictions from various film makers of what really happened.

Michael Bay (Armageddon, Transformers)
I enter the bathroom, unaware of the presence of the huge spider on the wall. Seemingly out of nowhere, the spider leaps at me and a battle begins. The walls collapse, the mirrors shattered and the tiles scattered all over the place. Debris is sent flying in all directions and the bathroom is entirely destroyed. Megan Fox walks into the bathroom, flashes her ass, and walks out. Both the spider and I come to an agreement that we would fight another time, because Megan Fox ruined our epic battle.

Quentin Tarantino (Kill Bill, Inglorious Bastards)
I enter the bathroom in full gear, a pistol in one hand and a sword in the other. I scream and charge at the spider on the wall. The spider leaps at me, doing various kung fu moves before it beats the crap out of me. My blood squirts all over the bathroom. Just as the spider is about to break me in half with its claws, I behead it with my sword.

Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen)
I enter the bathroom looking all badass in all my 1000fps glory. The bathroom is extremely dark even for the day time, but I fear nothing. The spider leaps at me, but gets destroyed when it crashes on my steroid-induced abs. I stand and laugh, but I die anyway.

Wachowski Brothers (The Matrix Trilogy)
I enter the bathroom, searching for answers. My bathroom looks vile, tattered with splotches of green and a half ripped poster of a person by the name of Yenmi. What kind of name is that anyway? Suddenly, a spider leaps at me and I fall to the ground. The spider leaps back up and shoots streams of webs at me, as I backflip a meter back and start dodging it in slow motion. You get a good 360 degree view of me here, before I go back into normal speed and kick the spiders ass. Then, everything stops. There is no spider.

Back to how much I rule.